Life could be horrible. It could unbearable. It could be worse than what it is. I could be sick or dying and I'm fine.
I'm actually healthy.
I'm happy. I have a huge support system and yet I feel like I am floundering.
Yet, I just want to cry. I have moments of helplessness. I sometimes feel completely alone and yet I have no patience.
This is not the normal thoughts I have, but for the past few days they have ruled my life.
I've been on a weight loss journey since August 23rd. I joined a wonderful group that has inspired me, motivated me, and pushed me to places I never thought possible. I weighed 228 pounds. I wore a size 18. I had huge, wide feet. I had fluffy permed hair. I was grieving.
Today I weight around 190, give or take. I wear a size 12 pant and Medium top. I can chest press 40 pound weights in each hands at least 3 times. I work out with my trainer and group at least 5 times a week. I have strength and confidence to overcome a lot of things.
I'm at that next level. It scares me. It means giving up cheese. It means less coffee (GASP! I know, we all need that as teachers!) It means not going out to eat, but instead packing! I need to lose another 40+ pounds in this journey.
I'm feeling everything hit me today because I know that my controlled world of work is ending in 8 weeks. I'm going to be hanging out at the beach and I'm TERRIFIED that I'm going to fall off of this wagon of loss. I'm scared that when May 9th hits and it is 9 years since my grandfather died, my hero, that I'm going to stop. I know that when June 22nd hits that it has been one year since my cousin died unexpectedly. I know that on May 19th she won't turn 36 and promise me a margarita. I know that I will be going out on May 25th on my birthday with my new group of 'family' that she won't be joining me. It hurts. It is hard. It feels like I'm so alone and I'm not. I have done things I've never thought possible and yet I feel so scared to go through these feels of fear. I've pushed so many thoughts away and used that energy in my workouts, but today I had no workout. I had no patience for my daughter, not fair to her. I spent over a 100 dollars at the store to buy food for me to eat. Crazy I know, but I needed a jump start to push myself into the 50 pound zone. But what if I don't make it?
In the end of writing, I've cried now. I can honestly say that my shoulders feel lighter. I know I'm going to make it to 50 pounds. It may not be this week, but I KNOW that I will get there. I KNOW that the next 8 weeks with my class is going to rock! They have been my rock this year! They have watched me not be able to run a mile to be able to run in a 5K!! I know that when my daughter comes home that I'm going to have patience for her because she deserves it. I don't need to fret about May 9th, May 19th, or June 22nd. I just need to focus on here and now.
Here is my thought for you, if you held onto a non teaching post. Be positive. Don't let fear stand in your way. Cry. It is good for the soul!
~Miss Red Head
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